While you may know Yom Kippur as a day of atonement, it’s also a day of remembrance (zikaron).
The word “zikaron” appears over and over again throughout the prayers of Yom Kippur, whether we’re asking God to remember us for forgiveness or remember our ancestors to grant us merit.
A major part of the services, the Avodah (literally meaning “the service”), involves a congregation recreating the special service the High Priest (Kohen Gadol) performed on Yom Kippur, an unusually intense method to remember the Temple in Jerusalem.
Another central prayer is the Yizkor prayer, recited for relatives and others who have passed away.
While Yom Kippur can be an intense experience any year, the holiday’s aspect of remembrance feels especially strong this year, as Yom Kippur is taking place just days after the first anniversary of the Oct. 7 massacre.
For many, the aspects of remembrance, especially the Yizkor prayer, may bring grief and mourning to the forefront on a day largely centered on introspection.
How can we balance the grief we may be feeling with the reflection central to Yom Kippur? The Yizkor prayer and other parts of the service may give insight into how those two ideas are actually tightly connected.
What is the Yizkor prayer?
The practice of memorializing loved ones on Yom Kippur is ancient. The Midrash — a collection of interpretations of the Torah — says that one should commit to giving charity on Yom Kippur to atone for those who have died as a way to elevate their souls.
Later, a prayer was added to this practice, becoming the Yizkor we know today.
While the Yizkor prayer originally was only said on Yom Kippur, today it’s recited on most Jewish holidays, as well as on Israel’s Memorial Day and Holocaust Remembrance Day.
Yizkor takes different forms depending on whether it’s said for a parent; another relative; those who were killed simply because they were Jewish, such as victims of the Holocaust; or for fallen members of the IDF.
The general structure is the same, though. It begins by asking for atonement for the person’s soul, continues with a promise to give charity for their merit, and asks God to elevate their souls to Heaven.
The Yizkor is followed by another prayer called “God, full of mercy,” which asks to grant proper and peaceful rest to the souls of the departed.
Beyond providing atonement for the souls of the deceased, these prayers also have other purposes that can redirect our focus to introspection.
The Yizkor prayer focuses on turning grief and mourning into action. We aren’t simply asking God to atone for the souls of our loved ones unconditionally; we’re committing to act and give charity for their merit.
On this Yom Kippur, when the grief from Oct. 7 may feel overwhelming, the Yizkor prayer can help us process that pain, and turn it into positive action. It gives us a moment of quiet reflection alongside a commitment to move forward and do good, to set the tone for the new year.
Alongside Yizkor, the other remembrances in the Yom Kippur service may also be difficult to process post-Oct. 7, although they also hold lessons that could help us heal.
The Avodah
The centerpiece of the Yom Kippur service is the Avodah, which recounts how the High Priest would carry out the Yom Kippur services in the Temple in Jerusalem.
Yom Kippur was the only day of the year when the High Priest could enter the most sacred part of the Temple, the Holy of Holies. The Kohen Gadol was tasked with achieving atonement for the entire nation of Israel, and according to tradition, even the slightest mistake would lead to his death.
The ceremony was solemn and awe-inspiring, but as soon as it was finished, a massive celebration erupted. The people saw the successful completion of the service as a sign they had achieved atonement.
Today, the recitation of the Avodah concludes with a song about the incredible joy as the High Priest finished the service.
Suddenly, though, the prayers take a sharp turn, with a heart-rending lament detailing how the Jewish people don’t experience this celebration today because the Temple was destroyed.
Then, for several pages, the service repeatedly goes over the various sins that led to the destruction of the Temple of Jerusalem and details the desolation and pain that came after it.
The prayer that comes right after the Avodah reflects this discord of incredible joy clashing with stark loss poetically, with each line beginning with “Fortunate is the eye that saw” followed by a joyous description of different parts of the Avodah and ending with: “for the ear to hear of it grieves our soul.”
This discord may reflect what many people will be feeling internally this Yom Kippur.
Yom Kippur is supposed to be one of the two happiest days on the Jewish calendar, and just a few days later is Sukkot, a holiday literally called “the time of our joy.” But how can we be so joyous just days after the anniversary of Oct. 7?
The five stages of grief
One way Yom Kippur and the Ten Days of Repentance preceding it help us handle these conflicting emotions is by guiding us through the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik, a leading American Modern Orthodox rabbi and philosopher, compared the process of repentance to the process of handling the grief felt after the loss of a loved one.
With repentance, we first deny any wrongdoing; we bury the truth deep and refuse to verbalize it. According to the Rambam (Maimonides), a medieval Torah scholar and philosopher, repentance can only be achieved once a person does Viduy (confession). Only when you verbalize and accept what you’ve done wrong can you truly repent.
Similarly, with grief, at first, we often deny it or, at the very least, refuse to talk about it.
The anger or distress felt next is reflected in the Yom Kippur prayers, too. We cry out about the good we’ve lost through poems full of raging emotions. Then, when we move to bargaining, we plead with God to return everything we’ve lost and ask for almost unconditional forgiveness. Then, the prayers fall into a somber, depressed tone, lamenting the ten sages, some of the most influential leaders in Jewish history, who the Romans cruelly killed.
However, after this immense grief, we reach the last stage, acceptance, Viduy.
Rabbi Soloveitchik stresses that it is only at this point when we can verbalize the pain, that we can truly move forward, whether it be in terms of fully repenting for sins or for processing the grief of loss.
Just like the Jews watching the Avodah in the Temple, it’s at this point when joy can bloom again. In the stages of grief, instead of being stuck in the sorrow of loss, we learn to focus on celebrating the life our loved ones lived and on how to move forward.
On Memorial Day in Israel, the phrase “In their deaths, they commanded us life” is often heard. That ideal, of learning to live not despite the loss of a loved one but in their honor, is reflected in the Yom Kippur service, a message to seek healing and hope from within the deepest despair.
