Jewish thinkers throughout the centuries have explored the meaning of teshuvah (translated as “repentance” or “return”). Today, we broadly think of this practice as “forgiveness” or “repentance”

Rambam described teshuvah as a personal transformation, as if one says, “I am now another person, and not that person who perpetrated those misdeeds.” Rabbi Abraham Isaac Kook believed that it was returning to oneself, while Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik described it as recreating oneself.

Regardless of what teshuvah means in theory, how can you put these lofty ideas into practice? Whether you are the person asking for forgiveness or in the position to forgive someone else, use these insights to guide your own teshuvah during the 10 Days of Repentance (the period between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur).

Background on teshuvah

Before you take part in this powerful practice, here is some information you need to know. 

When should you “repent”?

It is always a good idea to make amends with those we may have hurt and to let go of grudges; therefore, teshuvah can be done any time of year. The Talmud (Shabbat 153a) underscores that we should not wait until the High Holidays (or some other time in the future) to ask forgiveness of those we have wronged:

Rabbi Eliezer said: “Repent one day before your death.”

His disciples asked him, “Does then one know on what day he will die?”

“All the more reason he should repent today, lest he die tomorrow”

Although teshuvah can be done at any time, the practice is most associated with the Aseret Yemei Teshuvah (10 Days of Repentance). In Rambam’s Mishneh Torah (his magnum opus and code of Jewish law), he explains that the Aseret Yemei Teshuvah is an auspicious time for repentance: “Although repentance and prayer are always effective, they are even more effective during the Aseret Yemei Teshuvah when they are accepted immediately” (Hilchot Teshuvah/Laws of Repentance, 2:6).

Step one: Heshbon Hanefesh

Teshuvah starts with heshbon hanefesh (literally, “an accounting of the soul”) — this is a practice of introspection and reflection about where we fell short in the past year and how we can improve our behavior in the coming year. Heshbon Nefesh is a main theme of the Hebrew month of Elul leading up to Rosh Hashanah, and it continues to be critical during the 10 Days of Repentance which is a time of further contemplation and self-examination.

Teshuvah starts with assessing yourself honestly and objectively. Here are a few questions that you can use to undertake your own heshbon hanefesh:

  1. How do you want to be remembered? (List 3-5 qualities)
  2. “Time management” has become a buzzword but it is so much deeper than that. Consider the following priorities. How are you currently spending your time? How could you reallocate your time to better align with your priorities.
    • Work
    • Health
    • Family
    • Significant other
    • Jewish or other learning
    • Prayer / Meditation / Spiritual Practice
    • Hobby or hobbies
    • Best friends
    • Mitzvot (studying Torah, Shabbat candles, giving tzedakah, going to services)
  3. Look at this list of values and choose 2-3 that most resonate with you. How could you express those values more in your life?
  4. Who has helped you this year? Who have you helped?
  5. Who has hurt you this year? Who have you hurt?
  6. Who do you want to hear “I’m sorry” from? Who will you ask for forgiveness from?
  7. In the overwhelming majority of cases, the “bad” things that happen to us do not have consequences that are only bad, but there are usually some silver linings. For the times when others hurt you, what were the silver linings or lessons learned?
  8. What do you most want to work on this year? What’s one strategy you will use to create that change? How will you hold yourself accountable?

How to ask someone for forgiveness

It goes without saying that it takes courage and vulnerability to ask someone for their forgiveness. They may get angry at you when you raise the situation, share more about how you hurt them, or say that they are just not ready to forgive you. However, the upside is that if they do forgive you, it can transform your relationship, and even if they don’t forgive you, you can at least know that you did your part.

The stages of teshuvah include recognizing what you did wrong, feeling genuine remorse, undoing any damage done, resolving not to repeat the transgression, and obtaining forgiveness from the person who was wronged. Here are some tips for asking someone for forgiveness following this tradition:

Should you grant forgiveness if someone asks you?

If someone has done teshuvah and asks for your forgiveness, and the apology is sufficiently genuine and sincere, Jewish law states that you should do whatever you can to open your heart and forgive the person. Rambam states, “When the one who sinned implores [a person] for pardon, he should grant him pardon wholeheartedly and soulfully. Even if one persecuted him and sinned against him exceedingly, he should not be vengeful and grudge-bearing” (Mishneh Torah, Hilchot Teshuvah/Laws of Repentance 2:10).

Read more: Finding forgiveness on Yom Kippur — advice from a therapist and rabbi

However, it can sometimes take time to be ready to forgive someone. If someone asks for your forgiveness and you are not yet ready to grant it to them, you could ask that they come back in a set amount of time (a couple of weeks, a month, or in three months, but try not to make it an indefinite amount of time, as Rabbi Joseph Telushkin teaches). In that time, seek to prepare yourself to be able to forgive them so that you can do it genuinely and truly let go of the issue.

Jewish law states that a person should attempt to obtain forgiveness three times, after which the sin is “on” the person who refuses to grant forgiveness (Mishneh Torah, Hilchot Teshuvah 2:9; Shulchan Arukh, Orach Hayim 606:1). 

While all of this applies to most cases, there are some sins in which forgiveness is optional or even forbidden. For example, the act of murder is unforgivable because only the victim can forgive the perpetrator. Mishna Yoma 8:9 states that for transgressions between people, there can be no complete repentance until the person who was wronged is appeased. This is obviously impossible in the case of murder. Although relatives of the person could choose to forgive the murderer for the pain it caused them, they cannot forgive for the act itself. As Rambam explained, “The soul of the victim is not the property [of his family members] but the property of God” (Mishneh Torah, Hilchot Rozeah Ushemirat Nefesh/Laws of Murder and Preservation of Life, 1:4).

Additionally, Rabbi Moses Isserles wrote that “If one was a victim of slander, one need not forgive.” Rabbi Joseph Telushkin explained that this is because slander causes irrevocable damage, and we are not required to forgive when the damage inflicted is irrevocable. 

Rabbi Telushkin explained when forgiveness is required, optional and forbidden:

Additionally, Rabbi Jonathan Sacks adds that, “You cannot forgive while evil is ongoing… Forgiveness is always something that accompanies a cease, a pause… There has to be an end, a truce, let us say, in the hostilities before forgiveness can begin.”

The bottom line

Rabbi Jonathan Sacks wrote, “I forgive you because, when you admit you did wrong, express remorse and do all you can to make amends, especially when I see that, given the opportunity…to repeat the crime you do not do so because you have changed, then I see that you have distanced yourself from your deed. Forgiveness means I fundamentally reaffirm your worth as a person, despite the fact that we both know your act was wrong.”

In the vast majority of cases, when a person asks for your forgiveness and has done teshuvah, it is better to forgive than not to forgive — and to release yourself from old grudges and resentments. Just as we all want to be given the opportunity to learn and change and be forgiven in the eyes of others, we should extend that same opportunity to others.