With the Jewish High Holidays coming up, one thing’s for sure: lots of us are about to spend multiple evenings celebrating with our extended families. Paired with the antisemitism that’s still rampant and recent devastating news about the Israel-Hamas war, it’s likely many of these festivities will be overtaken by tense conversations.
In the year since the tragedies of Oct. 7, practically every single Jewish family dinner I’ve attended has turned into a screaming match about the current conflicts in the Middle East. What once were fun get-togethers suddenly became opportunities for people to express their complex political and social beliefs by talking over each other for hours at a time.
Don’t get me wrong: my family was always argumentative. But it’s significantly harder to listen to angry debates about this particular issue than any other — not only because it’s so close to our hearts as Jewish people, but also because there’s so much polarization and discussion everywhere we look. Some feel a family gathering is the proper outlet to air their frustrations about the current situation impacting Israel, and others (like me) believe that Jewish holidays should be a unique time to celebrate, be grateful, and indulge in some good food.
But regardless of what the holidays should be about, many, if not most, of us will have to sit through people’s outbursts, anger, resentment, and other sentiments that are normally handled in therapy. So coming from someone who’s now an expert at navigating tense family dinners, here’s how to deal with Middle East conflict debates that might make High Holiday dinners uncomfortable and tense.
First, listen with open ears and a critical mind
It’s not easy to listen to a bunch of people screaming about a heated topic that has been single-handedly destroying your mental health — especially at an event that’s supposed to be full of light, love, and togetherness. Many of us have already tried to listen, only to feel a huge rise in frustration.
But unless you’ve really reached your limit — and depending on just how forceful or loud your family is — it doesn’t hurt to just hear what your family members have to say, even if just for a few minutes. This isn’t necessarily to change your opinion, but perhaps just to practice some critical thinking. For example, what biases can you spot? Are there any little nuggets you do agree with? Who, in particular, do you feel is expressing their perspective the most eloquently? Who are people not listening to enough? You might learn something through discourse!
If you feel the need, express your opinion calmly and with confidence
While listening to others argue, it’s natural to feel a desire to speak up, especially if you’re more assertive. If you want to contribute to the discussion, you can absolutely add your perspective without escalating tensions.
Think through your points before talking — practice them in your head, and question how it may sound to someone who doesn’t agree with you. Reflect carefully about the potential impact of your responses, even if they seem innocuous, and mentally edit. It’s truly amazing how much more productive a conversation gets when people just take a minute to think before they speak! This can help you create a safe space for mutual understanding between you and your family.
Don’t add fuel to the fire, which might mean staying quiet
But some questions, while fascinating to ask yourself, might not be best answered out loud if your goal is to end this particular conversation. Even if your point is super interesting, some people just don’t like hearing an alternate perspective. If you’re prepared to receive pushback, go for it! But if you want to stay away from the topic altogether, I don’t recommend adding on.
At my family dinners, I’m normally a talker, but whenever the subject of Israel comes up, I’ve learned to zip my mouth shut because I’d rather talk about something less sad. If I want the conversation to die down, why would I add to it?
Remember that your opinion is still valid, even if it’s not the loudest
Often the most extreme opinions are the loudest ones. But your perspective does not become less valuable if you don’t want to share or discuss it!
Just because everyone in the room expresses a slightly different opinion than the one you hold, it doesn’t mean you should change your views to match theirs. It’s great to be an active listener and open your mind to other perspectives, but don’t let people push you around or dictate your views. If you hear something you genuinely find offensive or something that truly doesn’t align with your values, you don’t have to agree with them — even if it’s your mom, dad, partner, or sibling.
Find comfort in other people or creators who share your view
It’s easy to feel alone when your family shares certain perspectives that you simply don’t. But in these cases, I’ve learned to remind myself that my best friend and cousin feels the same way. Even though the distance between us means we’re never in the same room for family dinners, I still feel comfort in knowing that our perspectives align, even from all those miles away.
I always recommend staying off social media entirely or limiting yourself as much as possible because that’s where the most divisive opinions and harshest sentiments are. But if you do use it, you can try following people who support and uplift you, or vetted organizations that help you learn more in a factual, healthy way.
Distract yourself with people who aren’t engaging in these discussions
Sorry, but I gotta be honest: the majority of my enjoyment at extended family dinners comes from my cousins. Whenever all the Gen Zers (and the singular nine-year-old Gen Alpha cousin) decide to excuse ourselves to hang out or play a game, we end up surrounded in laughter and enjoyment instead of the anger that lives on at the dinner table. These moments have truly saved my mental health! Now, I always go home feeling loved and energized, not deflated like when I stay in those tough discussions for too long.
Once you feel like you’re nearing your limit, find the people who might be similarly drained and ask them to do something else. Trust me, even if they don’t vocalize it, they’ll be thankful — you definitely won’t be the only one who wants to have fun at a holiday dinner. If you’re afraid that everyone will enjoy the table discussions too much to join you, bring a book or some other activity.
You know yourself best, and if you have to skip all the other steps to get to this one, that’s something you can very well do. My sister is the type of person who jumps straight to this step, not giving the topic any of her attention, whereas I always take a few minutes to listen to people yell before I excuse myself, usually exclaiming, “Okay, that’s enough for me today.” It’s truly up to you.
Don’t be afraid to set a boundary or even leave early
If you know that things are definitely going to be heated beforehand, or you’re sure certain family members will be particularly vocal, you can even set a boundary in advance. Pull that person aside and politely ask them not to rile anyone up for your sake, or decide on some “off-limits” topics before the conversation sets in.
If the conversation starts hitting a nerve and you can’t seem to escape it by changing the subject or leaving the table — or just feel empowered enough to put people in their place — you can speak up in a kind and respectful way! Try something like, “Hey guys, I’d really rather us not talk about this. Can we talk about something lighter?” Other people at the table who remain silent will thank you. If this doesn’t work, nothing’s stopping you from leaving the event early. Although I hope it never comes to this, remember, it’s always an option, and your mental health is the number-one priority.
Originally Published Sep 27, 2024 09:00AM EDT
